The Exploits of a Drunken Faye
by Zhanael
Summary: Just a random fic I wrote as a challenge...I know it's really idiotic, but I wrote it almost a decade ago. Enjoy the bullcrud!


Author's Notes: The title says it all, really. It's my first humor fic, and I like how it'd gone. I know there's a lot of OOCness, but hey, what's a random fic without OOCness? Anyway, I don't own Cowboy Bebop. It belongs to its respective owner(s). Nor do I own Monty Python and the Holy Grail and its series, Monty Python's Flying Circus. It belongs to its respective owner(s).  
  
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It was a normal day on the Bebop. At least, as normal as things could get. Jet sat, watching TV, looking for new jobs; Spike lay nearby on the couch, snoring away. Ed and Ein were playing each other in chess. Don't ask me how a Welsh Corgi can play chess, hyper intelligent or not. He's just smart like that. Faye was off...somewhere. She does what she wants, usually. But let's focus on her. There's really nothing with the boys.  
  
"So, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Ed piped up. Ein nudged his knight into E-3 with his nose.  
  
Okay, maybe I was wrong.  
  
"Woodchucks _can't_ chuck wood," Jet grumbled, flipping through the channels.  
  
"But he'd chuck five hundred forty-two pounds of wood if he could!" Ed giggled and took Ein's knight. The dog grumbled unhappily.  
  
"Right," Jet muttered. ~She's a genius, but she's so damn _irritating_!~  
  
Okay. _Now_ we can flip to Faye.  
  
The dark-haired, yellow-clad woman sat at a crowded bar, drawing on her napkin with a purple Sharpie. Yes, a Sharpie. They still exist. She began to get bored and started to draw on the face of a drunken bum passed out next to her.  
  
"Erm. Miss?" The bartender backed away as Faye leaned over the bar, starting to draw on him. "Please don't draw on the customers...or me, for that matter..." She blinked up at him.  
  
In case you couldn't tell, she's drunk. What a surprise, ne?  
  
She looked him up and down, smiling sweetly. "My, your clothes would look beautiful if I set them on fire..." She pulled out a lighter, holding the flame to the bartender's shirt. She clapped in amusement, laughing at him as he ran around like a chicken with its head cut off.  
  
Eventually deciding she'd had enough, she grabbed her glass of rum and Coke and tossed it on him to quench the flames. However, she'd forgotten what alcohol does in fire, and laughed even harder as the flames roared higher. Her mirth was cut off as two large, burly men grabbed her arms. They carried her out and threw her onto the sidewalk.  
  
"Well, now, aren't _you_ nice?" She stuck her tongue out after them and stood, stumbling off.  
  
Small beady eyes watched her from the shadows and a squat black figure waddled off, chuckling darkly to itself.  
  
This is the bad guy. He's not what you think he is. Unless you think he's a platypus, then you're right.  
  
...  
  
I didn't just say that.  
  
Anyway...  
  
Faye found her ship and climbed in. Apparently there were no drunk driving laws on whatever satellite she was on, because even though she was diving and swooping without knowing it, no one challenged her. Then she crashed into a school building, almost Kamikaze-ish. Needless to say, the school was destroyed.  
  
And the author used her almighty god-like powers and Faye survived a crash that would otherwise be unsurvivable.  
  
...  
  
Is that even a word?  
  
But anyway, Faye stumbled out of the wreckage, looking around in a drunken stupor. Yes, even after surviving a fatal crash, Faye was still drunk. You'd think that would sober someone up, even her. So why is she still drunk, you ask? 'Cause I said so.  
  
Anyway, knowing she needed another way back to the Bebop, she wandered off to find some means of communication. She found a cheese factory. Yes. Cheese. Why? 'Cause I said so. She meandered about, until she finally found a phone. However, since she was drunk, she misdialed and got the wrong number. The conversation went as follows:  
  
"Hello, you've reached Wendy's. How may I help you?"  
  
Wendy's still exists. 'Cause I said so.  
  
"Ed, get Spike and tell 'im to come get me, will you?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me, you crazy little brat. Tell Spike to come pick me up. My ship crashed, I destroyed a school, and I have no way to get back."  
  
"Ma'am, you sound drunk."  
  
"I'm not drunk!"  
  
"Well, either way, ma'am, I don't know who you're talking about. I suggest you call for the police or something. Good night." *click!*  
  
"..."  
  
Faye tried again and this time succeeded. She waited, meandering about the factory until she found the finished product storage.  
  
Dun-dun-bum!  
  
"Oooh! Cheese!" She dove into the piles of cheese circles and cubes and triangles and rectangles and hexagons and pentagons and...  
  
"Get on with it!" cried the crew of the Bebop, and the squat black figure (henceforth known as the SBF).  
  
Fine, fine. She swam around these piles as if she were Scrooge McDuck swimming in his fortune.  
  
Behold the Power of Cheese.  
  
Once she'd had her fill of the cheese, she began to make a sculpture. Breaking pieces off here and there, she showed her hidden talent at sculpting cheese. She squealed with glee at the finished result: Spike. Blinking drunkenly at Cheese Spike, she talked to him.  
  
What a surprise, ne?  
  
"Spike, what're you doing here?" she asked, confused. Then she grinned. "Oh, good! You're here! Let's go!" She grabbed Cheese Spike's hand and started to walk off with him. Cheese Spike's arm popped off. Faye didn't notice until she turned to look at him. "Spike! I didn't think you were _that_ brittle." She walked back to Cheese Spike and nudged him.  
  
At least, she thought she nudged him. But she lurched forward. Drunk. She'll be feeling it in the morning, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, she shoved, and he fell over and shattered. She blinked.  
  
"Spike, are you okay?" She nudged the broken Cheese Spike with a toe. "Your arm's at an odd angle."  
  
"What the hell are you talking to, Faye?" came the real Spike's voice from behind her. She once again blinked and turned around.  
  
"Spike!" she exclaimed, glomping him.  
  
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Faye glomped Spike. Behind you, the world is black with the coming apocalypse. Hell had already been frozen over; several times in fact.  
  
But that's not stopping you from reading this fic, right?  
  
Anyway, Spike managed to peel the drunken Faye off of his person with the help of Jet, and they took her back to the Bebop. After they salvaged her ship from the destroyed school, of course.  
  
And no one noticed the SBF that clung to the bottom of the ship. Except us. But that's not the point. The characters didn't notice, that's the point. Speaking of points, I'd just recent seen the movie "The Point", with Ringo Starr. A good movie, really, but a bit--  
  
"Get on with it!!" screamed the Bebop crew and the SBF again.  
  
All right, all right, already! You don't have to yell...  
  
Anyway, they returned to the Bebop and got Faye to bed. Ed and Ein were on their fourteenth rematch, Ed pouting because she kept losing. Spike and Jet settled into their respective places, and all was well with the universe.  
  
That is, until the SBF appeared in the doorway. Spike opened one eye, glowering at it.  
  
"What the hell is a platypus doing here?" Everyone else looked up at the SBF.  
  
"I am the SBF! I demand a sacrifice!"  
  
I'm not ripping off of Monty Python. Really.  
  
"A sacrifice?" Jet raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes. A sacrifice." The SBF crossed its short forelegs over its chest.  
  
"And if we don't give you a sacrifice?"  
  
"Then this tree shall get shoved into this toaster!" When the SBF uncrossed its arms, it revealed one of Jet's small Bonsai trees in one paw and a toaster in the other. It began to shove the plant into one of the toaster slots.  
  
"The hell does SBF stand for?" Spike grumbled, turning over.  
  
"No! Stop!" Jet cried, realizing it was one of his own. "What are your demands?"  
  
"A box of chocolates. And a shrubbery."  
  
Nope. No Monty Python here. I swear!  
  
"Fine!" Jet dashed off to grab both items, and presented them to the SBF. It took them, and handed him the tree and the toaster. Holding the shrubbery and chocolates up reverently, it disappeared in a haze of blue smoke.  
  
In the confused silence that ensued, Ein let out a victorious bark, and Ed pouted. She lost again.  
  
Faye dreamt of cheese. Behold the Power of Cheese. 


End file.
